Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Same Old Dramatic Bullshit

Almost 2 years, huh? Does that mean I was not pathetic during that time interval? Maybe. Maybe I wasn't pathetic enough to blog then. Well, I'm here, which means I have to hide in my shell again.

When I was a kid, I adapt to people's attitude to get new friends. That was my coping mechanism to avoid being lonely or alone during my school days. I think I'm so used to adapting so much that I'm messed up right now. I overdid it to a point where I'm so inconsistent with what I'm telling people about me and who I actually am.

Don't get me wrong. I don't lie to others intentionally, except when it's a surprise or a joke or I hate you. I might have lied a little - just a little - without even knowing it to my friends. Small, unimportant lies about my favorites or what I'm going to do with what I like. Nothing life changing, nothing relevant anyway. I don't know.

A friend pointed this out when he was (or is) so pissed at me for something I said to him. He said my logic was flawed and it doesn't match up to what I said before. You know what? He was right. This triggered my blogging. Pathetic? For me, yeah. That basically told me that I need to get my act together and figure out who I am.

I adapt to people so easily. Maybe I have adapted easily too much... Too much to a point where I don't know who I really am anymore. The question is: How the hell am I suppose to know who I am again? Make a list? Reflect on things? Discard everything and figure out which one I miss? I have a lot of thinking to do. If I don't do it now, I might end up losing friends, which is the opposite of what I wanted 20 years ago.

I better get my act together and fast. I may be damaging some relationships I have without even knowing it. >_<